Salon De Venus - Guide To BDSM, Consent and Desire Negotiation!

March 29, 2017

There is a very rightful level consideration, focus and emphasis on consent in BDSM practice. Peel the first pages of any guide to bondage, pain-play or power dynamics and chapter one, page one should hopefully push erotism to one side and immediately speak of the importance of negotiation and mutual consent.

Being as BDSM is so frequently requires control of one's behaviour and the practice of risky and highly technical practices, consent is not only an element of physical and psychological safety.

This article will turn away from the issues of negotiation as a matter of consent, but a matter of enhancing your experience and making sure you and your play partners desires are as richly explored as they can be! Technicality aside, there is so much self exploration and deep, powerful pleasures held in our kinky little world that can go un heeded with a number of pitfalls! Yours truly has definitely fallen into every pothole that lies along the road of naughtiness and while those mistakes are always learned from, there’s one thing that remains vitally apparent each time. That thing, is communication.

Kinky play can almost always be a fantastic melding of minds, a fantasy intermingled with a personality, a expression of love and lust through the lightest spank or the most ferocious bite. However, whether through self managed expectations, personal shame or even fear of the unknown, it can be extremely hard to listen to one’s one call for the expressions of desire.

Consent is a drawing of boundaries to operate within for the psychological and physical safety of the participants. Within those parameters, there is a wonderful world waiting for you and your play partner that is most enriched through expressive negotiation. Express your desires!

Frequently I have found approaching desires I have unearthed to be a fearful but ultimately liberating experience. Mental loops of “what if they judge me poorly?” “What if they’re just not into it?” “I feel ashamed to ask.” “I don’t want to impose.” Almost without fail, besides the expression of the desire being a thrill in itself, it’s met with happy curiosity or even passion. More so, it’s met with “I’ve always wanted to try that…”

Imagine sitting on your desires, the possibilities of such a rich and sexy experience, denied to yourself through the fear of expression and negotiation! Opening your heart and mind to someone you trust is one of the most deepening, connective and beautiful experiences. But doing so is more often absolutely terrifying. Many elements on kink may press against personal and societal shame by its very nature, with its exploration of the taboo.

There are stereotypes abound in popular culture with reference to kink. The powerful executive wanting to submit as a way of relief, the hyper masculine wanting to explore elements of theatrical femininity, all are based in some element of resisting taboo. Even the desire of pain can be an internalised taboo, as primally we are programmed to resist it. This formulation can manifest as desires meet a cognitive dissonance. Emotions ranging from shame, anger and denial can become present with thoughts of exploring personally taboo desires. Often, receptivity and acceptance from one's partner or kink community can do wonders in alleviating those feelings and turning them into excitement and anticipation or relief.

Many have personally experienced forms of psychological revitalisation through expression of desires, even if never acted upon, the sharing of the desire with an external person has been an articulation of personal growth or internal strengthening. Shame or resistance being transmuted into pride, healthy alternatives to expressions of trauma or reframing negative sexual experiences into safe contexts are all possibilities as a result of kink play.

The seeking of authentic self expression and the pursuit of pleasure are driving human experiences and the ultimate expression of desire. If you can, turn head first into your desires! Negotiate them with your partner!

Express them! Embrace consent first, but don’t turn yourself away.

Shame is temporary, fear is transitory, pleasure is forever.

Love,
www.salon-de-venus.com.au


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